Institutionalization

institutionalize
1) establish (something, typically a practice or activity) as a convention or norm in an organization or culture.

2) (use. be institutionalized) place or keep (someone) in a residential institution.

Derivatives:
institutionalization, noun


I'm wondering if I'm institutionalized "in Christ".
When I behave different with my fellows, problems come.
"What's happened?"
"Everything alright?"
"Do you wanna talk?"
"You can share with us!"
Frankly speaking, they're annoyed.

I always think once I've outleaped from the frame of Christianity, I could understand exactly what's going on.

Have you ever thought it's a custom or true commendation when you were speaking these sentences and words?
Are they from your heart?

an afternoon meet

just half an hour ago, riding my blue Giant, passing the little garden with a small pond, I saw Luo sitting on the stone of pondside.

She just sat there. I don't know why. Maybe she was waiting her husband, or just handing around, watching people go back and forth.
Although she is not the counselor in the fellowship, I'd still love to talk to her.
I think she is more humanistic for me.

She talked about the reason why she quit and how she's going so far.
I also mentioned about the conflict between my faith and the reality.

She's quite surprised about my hair. (everybody does....)
Perhaps she's worried I look younger than her son.

Songs without Words

Couple days ago, I read a post on the clmusic, PTT.
It was a person asking for the music of TV commercial.
The commercial is Volkswagen New Jetta TDI. (click to watch)

The music is really fantastic!
My mood becomes soft with the sound in exhilaration.

This is "Songs without Words" Op. 67, No. 2 from Mendelssohn.

The first contact between Mendelssohn and me wass his violin concerto in E minor.
I remember I was a senior high student then.
That one is also an excellent one.

Some people think the music of Mendelssohn is lack of negative side because his growth background. Maybe, but only under this case, his music is full of melancholy, tenderness, exhilaration, and upper class (cause he's a noble). It's pleasing to the ears.

The symphony "Italy" is also famous by its Orphean movements.

Try try!

Books income~

Digital Fortress, Dan Brown

Cell, Stephen King

Never Let Me Go, Kazuo Ishiguro

I'm wondering if I can finish these books cause I never finish a English (except Phantom of the Opera in very easy version).
But I should give it a try, for these attractive stories.

Pathétique

OK, enough!

Maybe I'm out of control as your identification. (or cognition? whatever....)
But when you guys can learn how to respect others?
Don't give me eyes with compassionate when I showed up, and neither the greeting in affectation.

I'm not repenting and redressing the error.
It's not an error exactly, after all.

It's life! Don't you understand?

Thousands and thousands of people live around the world. The races, languages, cultures, norms, occupations, classes, religions, even genders are the identities of ourselves, not only one standard. I think I'm institutionalized then to such an extent that I felt anxious and abashed when I turn my face to the other side.

I have to admit the atmosphere is cozy, warm, and fragrant.
People felt very comfortable and are joined thoroughly.
However, I still don't know what it does mean to me.
I found I like this fellowship is because of you, not because of God.
Gradually, it becomes another problem of mine.
I should jump out and think about it deeply, or discuss with those "close" friends?
Those close friends with compassionate looks, effected greetings, and the smiles make me goose flesh???

I really have no idea.

Oh! My hair....

It's really funny of mine.

I spent the past five months for the growth of my hair.
But every time it got a little bit longer, I wanted to go to the barber.
As the result, my hair couldn't reach the goal of enough length.
Almost all friend around me said I'm not suitable for long hair, but I still told me that it's actually not bad.

After this winter vacation....

I watched Eternal Summer and I really like the hair style of 張孝全.
On the other hand, Scofield is really handsome in Prison Break.
So today I have my hair cut.
I told the designer that as short as possible, and of course he did as much as he can so I have an en brosse now.
After taking another glance of Chang, I found that his hair is not that short.
And I don't have a handsome face like Scofield, so I think I looks like Burrows now.

It's like a farce.

Am I?

I'm really sick of it.

Every time the people in the fellowship give a call and ask how you have been recently, I felt like in the anxiety.
"Hey! How have you been?"
"Where did you do in the vacation?"
"Will you come to the gathering? Why not? We all miss you!"

I really don't want any concern from others now, especially from the fellowship, because they think I'm in a "not good" situation, and it's progressive tense. It makes a lot of pressure to me. I don't know, maybe because those people who ask know that I'm gay and think I can be changed and changeable.

It's a flagrant crime.

I don't think I'm gay to be gay in such a circumstances.
A crash between the identities of Christian and gay.
Of course I can ignore one of them. But I must make a decision - only one of them, not both, nor neither.

People in the fellowship and church always say that you have to listen to God.
But I couldn't help but wonder, does His turn on the power of the speaker?
When I don't want to care about the Christ stuff and brace this world, they will begin to warn you that don't believe the short-term excitement, in the heaven you can have a eternal joy, and keep emphasizing it's a lifelong work to do.
Once you came up a doubt if it's a truth or just a brainwashing, different voices' fighting in your mind, and if you don't want to face this conflict, there's an adjective named "weak" waiting there for you.

I'm condemned? or I'm dead?