Am I?

I'm really sick of it.

Every time the people in the fellowship give a call and ask how you have been recently, I felt like in the anxiety.
"Hey! How have you been?"
"Where did you do in the vacation?"
"Will you come to the gathering? Why not? We all miss you!"

I really don't want any concern from others now, especially from the fellowship, because they think I'm in a "not good" situation, and it's progressive tense. It makes a lot of pressure to me. I don't know, maybe because those people who ask know that I'm gay and think I can be changed and changeable.

It's a flagrant crime.

I don't think I'm gay to be gay in such a circumstances.
A crash between the identities of Christian and gay.
Of course I can ignore one of them. But I must make a decision - only one of them, not both, nor neither.

People in the fellowship and church always say that you have to listen to God.
But I couldn't help but wonder, does His turn on the power of the speaker?
When I don't want to care about the Christ stuff and brace this world, they will begin to warn you that don't believe the short-term excitement, in the heaven you can have a eternal joy, and keep emphasizing it's a lifelong work to do.
Once you came up a doubt if it's a truth or just a brainwashing, different voices' fighting in your mind, and if you don't want to face this conflict, there's an adjective named "weak" waiting there for you.

I'm condemned? or I'm dead?